Aunty’s efforts

I binge-watched the Queen’s funeral, much of which came to us from the BBC or Aunty as it’s affectionately known. The pageantry was spectacular and the camera work sublime. In fact, there were so many tricky camera shots that they overwhelmed the commentary.

All in all, there were too many silly hats and too few frocks and royals.

We Colonials don’t know much about silly hats, so I’ve had to look everything up. The silly hat mob included the vastly tall black fur cylinders with gold chinstrap, worn so far down on the forehead you wonder how they can see. They’re made from the pelt of Canadian brown bears (one bear per hat) and dyed black. Then there are the helmets with white or red feathers cascading from a knob on top and the amusing hats of the Yeomen of the Guard. There are 73 of these (odd number, isn’t it?) and their job is as ceremonial bodyguards to the Monarch. They wear outfits from the Tudor period and small hats with a brim encircled by what looked like red, white and blue leis. Interestingly, their most famous duty is to ceremonially search the cellars of the Palace of Westminster prior to the State Opening of Parliament, a tradition which dates from the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 when Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up Parliament. 

Some of the uniforms were encrusted with gold braid. One man had so much gold braid on his outfit – of lions and harps “quartered” as I think the heraldic language would have it – that it’s a wonder he could stand up.

Of course, there were lots of chaps in skirts, tartan ones. The different tartans were obviously worn by different regiments but were we told which? Not that I can recall in my five and a half hours of watching.

I also don’t know why the children of the Queen, except Andrew of course, wore military uniform

We weren’t told about any of this, about who was whom and what was what until some offhanded comments way into the broadcast. I felt very cheated!

It also took more than half of the program before they told us what was on the card tucked into the floral tribute on the casket, despite the fact that the camera panned to this regularly.

During the service, the Commonwealth Secretary General and the British Prime Minister spoke from two different places. Not being a Christian and unfamiliar with the geography of a Cathedral, I was puzzled and would have liked to have known why.

At one point the commentator said, pompously I thought, that they weren’t going to tell us too much because of the solemnity of the occasion. Really? It was being broadcast to the entire world so it was hardly private and a little explanation, sotto voce, would not have hurt.

Back to the frocks and royals.

I was hoping to wallow in vision of all the royals of Europe who apparently attended.

I think I saw the King and Queen of Spain but why didn’t they show us Our Mary, who could have been there unless her mother-in-law the Danish Queen did the honours. Half or more of Europe’s royals are related to the British royal house, so were presumably there but we didn’t see them.

And where were images of the British royals outside the immediate family like Princess Alexandra, Prince and Princess Michael of Kent, the Duke and Duchess of Kent and all their successors, the Duke and Duchess of Gloucester. And so on and so forth … Where were the family of Princess Margaret? Where were the children of Anne and Edward? I think one of each may have been in the grandchildren’s group but what about the others?

And then there were the frocks, or absence thereof in the commentary. Now except for the lads in tartan, every other dress was black … not a surprise. But would a little bit of commentary have hurt?

Am I’m unreasonable? Perhaps, given the solemnity and great beauty of the two services – at Abbey and at Windsor – and the extraordinary precision of the parades. (Mind you, I don’t think I could be the only person to wonder what would happen if one of the casket bearers had fainted.)

But I put the BBC on notice. Come the Coronation I expect lavish commentary on the attendees, the frocks, the regiments, the gold braid brigade and the meaning of it all.

 

Quote of the week from Chambers Dictionary of Modern Quotations:

British Conservative politician William Whitelaw of Labour Prime Minister Harold Wilson during the 1970 General Election: “He’s going round the country stirring up apathy.”

 

 

 Old but good

With the Yamim Tovim fast approaching, I thought it was a good time to give this lovely old piece of funny business another run.

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1.    I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking section
       No talking section

2.    If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's voice
      The cantor's significant other
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbours
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbours' relatives
___ Politics (uh oh)
___ Sex (Preference:______________________
      Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
      Other:_______________________________

3.    Which of the following would you like to be near
   for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
      Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
      Stockbroker
      Accountant

          Lawyer: Criminal   

          Lawyer: Civil

___                        Real estate agent
___                        Architect
___                        Plumber
___                        Buyer (Specify store:______________________ )
___                        Sexologist
                             Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
                             Other:____________________________

 

                       4. I want a seat located (indicate order of priority:)
                            On the aisle
                            Near the exit
                            Near the window

                            In Aruba
                            Near the bathroom
                            Near my in-laws
                            As far away from my in-laws as possible
                            As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
                            Near the pulpit
                            Near the Kiddush table
                            Near single men
                            Near available women
                            Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
                            Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
                            Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
                            I can see my spouse over the mechitza
                            I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
                            I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
                            My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the
following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________

Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge: $________________________

Quote of the week from Chambers Dictionary of Modern Quotations:

British journalist and novelist Keith Waterhouse, on Margaret Thatcher: “I cannot bring myself to vote for a woman who has been voice-trained to speak to me as though my dog has just died.”

 Vale your Majesty

 As I write this, I’m listening (well, bingeing really) to the ABC’s coverage of the death of Queen Elizabeth.

Many people are saying that most Australians have lived with no other Monarch, but I’m so old I was already eight when she made her first visit to Australia in 1954 not long after her accession. Along with what was estimated as at least half of the entire population of Sydney, my mother, my brother and I went somewhere now forgotten where we could join people lining the streets to wave little Union Jacks as her cortège drove by. 

I can’t say I remember that, but I do have a shred of memory that the day (on 3 February) was extremely hot and my mother (in the era before bottled water) knocked on a local door to ask for water for her children.

The year before, her Coronation had been marked, inter alia, by the publication of glossy picture books about the event. I remember having one of these and loving it.

Many, many years later I was honoured to be invited to a garden party with the Queen at NSW Government House. I can’t say she shook my hand, but it was quite special just to be there.

So … vale Your Majesty; as we say in the Jewish tradition, may your memory be a blessing.

And now to something a lot lighter.

My friend Manou got these word memories from a friend of hers. Some of this material is American-speak but enough is familiar.

He calls them “lost words from those of us lucky enough to have lived in the 1950s”.
“Mergatroyd! Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!The other day a not so elderly, (I say 75), lady said something to her son about driving a jalopy; and he looked at her, quizzically and said, "What the heck is a jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old!

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included “don't touch that dial, carbon copy, you sound like a broken record, hung out to dry”.

Back in the olden days, we had a lot of moxie.  We'd put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat, Holy moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the Duck's Tail; or spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" or "this is a fine kettle of fish!" we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed as omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blinked, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone? Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth ... See ya later, alligator! or after a while crocodile!
OkeyDokey. You'll notice they left out "Monkey Business" …

We are the children of the Fabulous 50s. We were given one of our most precious gifts, to live in the peaceful and comfortable times created for us by the greatest generation.”

 

 Grandma’s back

 

Hello dear family and friends.               

Grandma has had a holiday, made up of sick days and a barmitzvah. So one week rolled into the next and before I knew it, another publishing date disappeared into infinity.

But let’s take up where we left off with a wonderful set of funny and bizarre items contributed by my brother Peter from a list sent him by a friend. The veracity of these items can’t be proven but they’re funny as they are.

In the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed 
To beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “The Rule Of Thumb”.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only ... Ladies Forbidden.” And that’s how the word GOLF entered the English language.  

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.  

Coca-Cola was originally green

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness is 28% but the percentage of North America that is wilderness is 38%.

The only food that doesn't spoil is honey.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them: “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down!” It's from this we get the phrase “mind your Ps and Qs”.  

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. 
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase ... "Goodnight , sleep tight!" 

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar-based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice. 

Don't delete this paragraph below just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This 
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? 

And finally …

You know you’re living in 2022 when ... 

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.  

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.  

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.  

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your tea or coffee. 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  -->  : )  

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.  

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. 

 Things to be glad about

It occurred to me the other day that I’m extremely glad never to have to darn a sock again. I’m mildly pleased that I know how to do it but some decade or so ago was forced to the conclusion that socks were a) cheap b) frequently no longer made of wool and c) that darned socks are extremely uncomfortable to wear.

I’m glad that I no longer have to visit a bank, and that all my financial transactions are electronic. And I’m glad that I can understand just enough about electronic banking to actually do it.

I’m glad that my extremely low capacity for abstract thinking no longer troubles me. Take e=mc²; I’m lost before I get to m. I cannot understand what philosophers mean when they philosophise and my eyes glaze over when faced with certain levels of political discourse.

Discovering Dandelion Tea is another thing I’m glad about. I have never before liked “smelly” teas but I’ve become used to Dandy T which is a good thing as the water you use to make the tea is counted in your daily water intake. I know it’s very Byron Bay of me to mainline an alternative to real tea but it’s working well.

I’m especially glad we now use doonas instead of blankets. Blankets were so heavy that in my debilitated breathing state I doubt I’d be able to lift them.

I’m glad all the way to thrilled to open my diary and see no entries. I love pottering about with my knitting, sewing, embroidery and other crafting and do not love what sometimes seems like perpetual doctors’ appointments.

Not having to sing the National Anthem at the cinema is another thing to be glad about. Also, the cinemas up here on the northern beaches are delightfully old fashioned and never full, at least when I’ve been there. And thinking about entertainment has made me realise how glad I am that I’m not 20 today and don’t have to listen to the awful music that the rest of my family loves.

As the weeks go on I’m sure I’ll find more to be glad about, but I’m now going to segue back to he topic of interesting phrases and sayings.

Why do we have a “pair” of pants? A pair of shoes makes sense but why are pants a pair? Is it because they have two legs? And while we’re in the shoe department, do you remember referring to someone as a “goody two shoes”? Why two shoes? Why not wellington boots (or should that be Wellington?) or “goody bananas”?

When we’re flustered, we often say we’re “hot and bothered”. It’s very expressive but what does it actually mean?

I found myself the other day saying a movie we’d just seen was “not a patch on” its predecessors. This phrase is a complete mystery. Less mysterious is a “splitting headache”. I suppose it means that your head feels like it’s splitting open but it could so easily be a “thundering” headache or a “pounding” headache.

Equally close to being meaningful is the sentence: “I cried my eyes out …” It seems to imply that you were crying so much that you had no more tears left. But it’s still a trifle quirky.

And finally still on the topic of eyes, there’s the possibly politically incorrect assertion that “blind Freddy” could have seen what’s going on. Why Freddy? Why not Marmaduke or Evelyn or Peregrine?

 

Quote of the week from Chambers Dictionary of Modern Quotations:

US writer Mark Twain: “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

 The rituals of life

 

When I was a young person living at home with my parents and brother, we had a ritual each time we came home after a night out at some celebration or other. Off would go our coats and down would go our handbags and one of us, often my father, would head to the kitchen to put on the kettle for tea. We’d all sit around the kitchen drinking tea and eating biscuits until one by one we headed for sleep. I take two things out of this: one is a reflection on our relative thinness as a family which made eating biscuits not particularly sinfull and the other is an explanation for my lifelong problem with falling asleep which may well have been caused by the caffeine before bed.

There are so many rituals which studded my life. One small example: when my brother and I came home from school, we would sit down to an unvarying afternoon tea of bread and jam in winter or watermelon in summer.

There were many rituals connected with Judaism. Friday nights, for example, were fairly sacred in the sense that we were always at home. I think I was in my 30s before I went out on a Friday night to anything other than Shabbat dinner at someone else’s home. My father would make what I now know was a fairly truncated Kiddush, or set of prayers, and my mother would cook either chicken “cacciatore” or roast beef. The chicken was cooked to extinction in margarine with onions and tomatoes; the roast beef so un-tender that it was virtually un-eatable unless shaved into very small slivers. Other ritual foods like chicken soup and chopped liver were by contrast extraordinarily good.

In my pre-teenage and a little older, I went each Saturday morning with my father to the synagogue. For some reason our shule-going did not include Friday nights. We also went to synagogue in the yearly rituals of holydays such as Passover, Purim, Shavuot and more and, of course, the High Holydays of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkot. Another ritual associated with the High Holydays was buying a new set of nice clothes and a hat. This business of a hat was contentious. I always wanted a great cartwheel of a hat but my mother said I couldn’t have one as I was short and would look like a mushroom!

There were certain rituals connected to rites of passage like barmitzvahs and weddings. The receptions which followed these family events were usually in the evening with dancing to live music and large dinners. In my middle to late teenage it was a ritual to wear a long dress, frequently with a small jacket like a bolero, to these affairs. Long dresses were also worn to balls like those held by various institutions at university and also bridesmaid dresses (of which I had several) were usually long.

I recall an incident associated with a ball which gave me a pretty strong indication that the Almighty took an interest in my spiritual welfare. I had been invited by a non-Jewish boy to a ball being held at one of the posh colleges. Unfortunately, it was scheduled for a Friday night. I begged and pleaded with my parents to let me go and eventually they reluctantly agreed. The big day approached. On the day before, I was sitting in the sun in the Quadrangle at Sydney University when I noticed a rash over both my arms. It was measles! Of course, as fate would have it, I missed the ball. Strike one for the Almighty!

Back to the evening receptions for barmitzvahs and weddings. As I grew independent and came to these events on my own, one ritual was to seek out my parents first thing, say hello and exchange kisses. Another was to greet all the family friends whom I called Aunty and Uncle. Another ritual was to waltz with my (real) Uncle Reg. He was a fantastic dancer so this was a pleasure.

Another ritual in the olden days was to write thank you notes every time you went to a party or a wedding. It was simply de rigueur and the next day, out would come the notepaper, envelopes and stamps.

And a final two rituals concerned with shoes. My father would clean our school schools regularly, buffing them to a shine. And we would store our wellington boots with the tops folded over and pinned down with a peg so the spiders couldn’t get in.

 

Quote of the week from Chambers Dictionary of Modern Quotations

US President Harry S Truman:

“It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”

 Spidercide and other conversations

I seem to be spending a considerable amount of time having deep and meaningful, if one sided, discussions with insects, birds and other creatures.

As I don’t speak spider, I’ve had to use English to explain to the multitude of daddy-long-legs spiders which festoon their cobwebs all over my house my reasons for seeking their demise. I, rather reasonably I think, explain to them that I dislike cobwebs and I‘m therefore about to commit spidercide and they’re just going to have to cop it. Large garden spiders, otherwise known as tarantulas, require a different sort of communication which largely consists of screaming. Occasionally they are captured using the glass and cardboard method and sent outside or murdered by Mortein. When I see small spiders rushing about, I tend to leave them be although they may be co-opted as specimens for my grandson’s new microscope.

I also have lots of one-sided conversations with Chico the bird. The bird’s repertoire of conversation consists of squeaks and chirps at various decibel levels including the extremely high. He frequently uses me as a kind of super-highway, waddling up to my leg, then up my trousers to my arm then around my neck to the other arm and down onto the desk. Occasionally he will stop on my shoulder and start eating my ear. No matter how much I remonstrate with the creature, he comes back for more pecks. There are times, however, when he sits just next to my neck and croons to himself; it’s very sweet.

Little lizards always get the glass and cardboard treatment and taken outside. However, should a large lizard ever migrate inside I can confidently tell you that my language would be much like that used for furry big garden spiders – screaming!

Small mice, which have set up home in our pantry, are dealt with in a slightly different way. We weren’t prepared to kill them so we’ve purchased dinky little traps which you bate with peanut butter. So far we’ve captured two infants, which Jessica released up at the park. They are the most attractive little creatures, medium grey with the classic long tale. We did explain to them our need to relocate their little tribe so we didn’t feel too authoritarian.

We no longer need to speak often to the big dog as he is mostly now living elsewhere. Which is a shame as the dog was the only creature who appeared to understand English. There was a repertoire of words which he understood, most referring to going walkies, having treats or eating. The wonderful Jack Russell whom we had years ago had an enormous vocabulary of words he understood including walking on the left or right as instructed, leaping to attention when anyone mentioned going for a walk, going to this person or that as required and much more.

This week’s blog is a trifle short for various reasons but I can’t go without sharing a few more interesting phrases.

My friend Denise says her father used the expression “put a sock in it” when he wanted someone to stop talking. Recently I said I was “gob smacked” by something said by someone else and I also used the classic when talking about money or rather the lack of it: “I haven’t got a brass razoo.” And there’s doing something “in a trice”. What’s a razoo? And why is it brass? And if gob is slang for mouth, why are you smacked in the mouth by someone else’s words? And why is a sock the thing that’s shoved into the mouth to stop words coming out? Why not a cardigan, or a sheep’s fleece … And what’s a trice?

 

Quote of the week from the Chambers Dictionary of Modern Quotations:

British writer Gwyn Thomas: “She was a blonde – with a brunette past.”