Old but good

With the Yamim Tovim fast approaching, I thought it was a good time to give this lovely old piece of funny business another run.

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1.    I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking section
       No talking section

2.    If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's voice
      The cantor's significant other
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbours
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbours' relatives
___ Politics (uh oh)
___ Sex (Preference:______________________
      Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
      Other:_______________________________

3.    Which of the following would you like to be near
   for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
      Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
      Stockbroker
      Accountant

          Lawyer: Criminal   

          Lawyer: Civil

___                        Real estate agent
___                        Architect
___                        Plumber
___                        Buyer (Specify store:______________________ )
___                        Sexologist
                             Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
                             Other:____________________________

 

                       4. I want a seat located (indicate order of priority:)
                            On the aisle
                            Near the exit
                            Near the window

                            In Aruba
                            Near the bathroom
                            Near my in-laws
                            As far away from my in-laws as possible
                            As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
                            Near the pulpit
                            Near the Kiddush table
                            Near single men
                            Near available women
                            Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
                            Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
                            Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
                            I can see my spouse over the mechitza
                            I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
                            I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
                            My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the
following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________

Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge: $________________________

Quote of the week from Chambers Dictionary of Modern Quotations:

British journalist and novelist Keith Waterhouse, on Margaret Thatcher: “I cannot bring myself to vote for a woman who has been voice-trained to speak to me as though my dog has just died.”