Friday Funnies No. 2

 

Well you’ve all been good, so here’s the second round of student bloopers in our Friday Funnies list.

“In the Middle Ages, King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery, King Harlot mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

“The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

“The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a Queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah”. Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

“The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors … Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear ‘was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote ‘Donkey Hote’. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote ‘Paradise Lost”. Then his wife dies and he wrote ‘Paradise Regained”.

“During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic … Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean and this was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock they were greeted by Indians who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carries porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all of this.

One of the causes of the revolutionary war was that the English put tacks in the tea … Finally the colonist won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.”

And a little science and culture …

“Meanwhile in Europe the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity … gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn when the apples are flaling off the trees.

“Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel …Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

“The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts … Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the ‘Organ of the Species’. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.”

 

Quote of the week from Chambers Dictionary of Modern Quotations:

Leonid Brezhnev: “The trouble with free elections is you never know who is going to win.”