Grandma doesn’t do parks.

If inveigled into it, grandma will only go to a park which is fenced as grandma is too slow to chase after small people disappearing into the distance. Also, the park must be next to a coffee shop or the visit’s off.

Grandma doesn’t do beaches; in fact, grandma doesn’t even possess a swimsuit.

Grandma prefers reading, with or without grandchildren attached.

Grandma loathes watching television movies with the offspring as they talk or ask questions all the way through. Grandma harrumphs off after never more than 20 minutes muttering a string of possible punishments the children deserve.

Grandma, let it be said, is an elderly bore.

As I live with two of my grandchildren and have the other three close by, my grandmother-hood is constant activity. There’s not a weekday when I don’t take to school/kindie or bring home from school/kindie some combination of all five of them. There’s also taking them to gym, picking them up from coding, getting one of them into scout uniform or Nippers outfits and, with my daughter, feeding them. There’s lots of shopping – in person or on-line, and there’s doing the washing, at least three loads per week for the children plus plenty for the adults. There’s cleaning the kitchen, taking the children and their overdue books to the library and VERY occasionally purchasing treats.

The children presently range from four to 12 years old. Of course, they’re quite delicious – talented, intelligent, handsome/beautiful. In this knowledge I resemble all grandmothers everywhere. But they are also naughty, rude, noisy, dirty, aggravating, obstreperous whinge-pots who make grandma’s life a misery – except, of course, when they’re doling out cuddles and kisses.

It is obvious from the above that I'm not fun. I won't rumble and I grumble at the rumblers. I complain that our elder boy, Nicholas, frequently goes to bed un-bathed and in day clothes and the younger, Asher, would stay in his pyjamas all day if permitted. I'm seriously boring about what is and isn't appropriate entertainment for small people and frequently refer to what did or didn't happen in the "olden days".  However, I do love reading with them -- and both are high quality readers -- playing Snakes and Ladders with four-year-old Benjamin, Scrabble with nine-year-old Abby and sewing with seven-year-old Lily. The good phenomenally outweighs the bad but it's comforting to complain every now and again.